Holka Polka 1 Scene 1 (Witches gathered at meeting. Witches and wizards in background can resemble famous ones from movies, books and TV. Witches are all talking and cackling loudly) Hey, you witches. Quiet down. (All WITCHES continue to talk) Everyone quiet before I turn you all into toads! (Talking dies down except for one witch ZOOM who keeps talking about her new broom. goes over to her and gives her the evil eye) ZOOM And this new broom I got has the coolest features. It can go 0 to 60 in a scream and... (She stops and turns to see ) Sorry! ( pulls out her wand and ZOOM runs) No! (ZOOM is off stage and waves her wand and there is a boom and the lights go up and down. After a moment:) ZOOM (off) Ribbit! All right, you witches. We've got ourselves a serious PR problem here. What do you mean? Witches have got a seriously bad name here in Fairy Tale land and it's only getting worse since the Hansel and Gretel incident. I mean, come on people. Eating children. That's just low. But they were eating my sister's house, Eating it! Can you believe it? I've heard of eating someone out of house and home but that's ridiculous.
That's what she gets for making her house out of candy. 2 But candy is the construction material of tomorrow. I'd bet my wand on it. GRANDOLT So you witches have a problem then. Why do we wizards need to be here? Because they're thinking of getting rid of all magic. What? They can't do that. They can and they will unless we turn things around and prove we can handle having magic. GRANDOLT Wait a minute. Who is saying they will take our magic? The fairies. (All witches and wizards respond in knowing disgust) The fairies. It figures. Can they really take our magic? They gave it to fairytale land in the first place. And now they want it all back because they think we can't handle it. That's so like them. All kind and giving and they make everyone all happy and then they snatch is away. GRANDOLT So what do we do to keep our magic? Dress like fairies?
( flitters around and witches cackle) 3 This is no time for jokes. We have a crisis here. I mean, what's a witch without her magic? A really bad cook? We're nothing, I tell you. We'll be just a bunch of old ladies! ( clears his throat) And men with bad hair and skin. I always thought I was pretty enough to be a fairy. Somebody's magic mirror has been lying to them. ( gives a dirty look) So what do we do, Hilda? How do we save our magic? We have to do a major PR thing. Good deeds and stuff. Good deeds. We can't do that. It's so... not us. Then say "poof" to your magic and learn to use chopsticks because that's all our wands will be good for. Fine, fine. Tell us what we need to do, Hilda. We need to do a good deed. Not just any good deed, but a whopper of a good one. I could let that one girl out of that tower?
And I could let those kids out of my cookie jar? 4 No, bigger. We're going to save the Prince. THE Prince? Oh, dear. The fairies won't like that. But think of the PR. Witches saving the Prince. And before some bubble headed princess manages to do it. So what's wrong with the Prince? He's been put under a sleeping spell. ( pokes SNORZ who wakes up. SNORZ is an old Italian godfather type wizard) SNORZ What? I didn't do it. No, none of us did it. It may have been a fairy. SNORZ So you want me to wake him up? No, we need to do a whole makeover. We need to send the nicest, cutest witch we can find. Well, if you insist. Oh, please. She's cute in the dark.
Why thank... hey! 5 So whom do you have in mind? Well, I developed this little device... ( pulls out a long stick with a large meter on it that has from "sweet" to "sour" printed on it) Sweet to Sour? As you can see, I'm on the sour side. (Takes it over to ) But when you hold it up to someone like this. Still sour. No, that can't be. It must be broken. Well, it usually works. So have you tried this out? I have. And? The sweetest witch is... Oh, no. She's doing a dramatic pause. This can't be good. Out with it, Hilda.
Well, I went to the Good Witch of the South's house... 6 Not Splenda. I should have known she'd be the sweetest. Actually no. Who can possibly be sweeter than her? Her daughter, Brenda. Brenda. What kind of name is that? Not very witchy. It's so... common. I know, I know. But she registered 99.9% on the sweet meter. I've asked her mother to bring her here. I thought we were done with the "good" witches. How can you be a good witch anyway? I'm a good witch. Until you get hungry. I don't cook children... much. So if there are no objections! (All witches and wizards complain loudly "I object") Well, then if there aren't too many objections? Go ahead and bring her in.
7 Splenda? We're ready for you now. (There is sparkling light and happy music as enters. smiles happily and speaks with almost a coo) Hello, everyone. It's lovely to see you all. ( makes a gagging motion like makes her ill) So Splenda. Will you give us your first-born child? What? ( pulls out a book) Ooops. Sorry, wrong story. (Pulls out a different book) Oh, yes, here it is. Is your daughter Brenda willing to go on a quest for us? She has consented to help. Excellent. So send her in? Not yet. I wish set a few rules first. Now she's sounding like a witch. You must promise to keep Brenda safe from harm. Done. Splendid.
That all? 8 And not force her to do anything bad. Fine. Splendid. Anything else? And if she drops below 99.8 on the sweet and sour meter, she's coming home. How about 99.1? 99.7 99.5 and that's my final offer. Splendid. So this means we can make her.4% bad? Quiet you. Brenda. You may appear now. ( walks in) That wasn't very dramatic. Have her go back and try again. She come in the most splendid way possible. Without drawing attention to herself.
What fun is that? 9 So does she have any powers? She might. Might? I don't get to practice much. You mean you haven't trained her? You haven't sent her to school? In this day and age of magic being at an end, I don't see the point. A witch without powers? This won't do at all. I have powers. I just don't like to show off. I'd feel better if we had a little demo. Well, I'm not used to doing magic in front of so many people. Shall we all leave the room? Close our eyes? (Witches and wizards cackle) Never mind, Brenda. Let's go. This was a bad idea. No, wait. We'll take her as is. We just need someone nice. Not magical.
Not magical? Then how can she save the Prince? 10 ( is concerned) What happened to the Prince? SNORZ Sleeping spell. And no, I didn't do it. And how can she break the spell without magic? I have a little magic. SNORZ Not powerful enough to break a sleeping spell! You don't need magic. You just need a keen mind to ferret out the culprit. Huh? You mean like a detective? I'm a good detective. Once you find the person who cast the spell, then you get her to break it. And how do you do that? Well, if we know who cast the spell, they'll be in danger of being turned in. But if you can get them to break the spell without anyone finding out... then she won't get in trouble and everything will be okay. Splendid. Very smart. And a little sneaky. She'll do.
That's the.1%. She gets it from her father. 11 That's what she thinks. What was that, dear? Oh, you're so artificial. So Brenda? Are you ready? Let me get this straight. I either need to find out who put the Prince to sleep or find my own way of waking up the Prince. Both is even better. ( pats her on the head and exits) Good luck, kid. Make us proud. ( pats her hard on the back and exits) She doesn't look so sweet to me. ( gives a dirty look and exits) Don't get thrown in a hot spoiling pot... (Starts to go but stops) Or chopped up by some woodsman... (Starts to go but stops) Or get water thrown on you... ( chases ) Just go, will you? All of you. (Other witches and wizards exit except for, and )
12 Have a splendid time, dear. Okay. And if you need anything, just tap your magenta mukluks together like so. ( demonstrates) Magenta mukluks? Thanks, mother. Bye. ( glides out) Thanks again, kid. Stay sweet. I'll try. (Sighs and mumbles to herself as she leaves) "Stay sweet." Can't believe I just said that. ( exits)